Animal Planet Pitch 1: Sled Puppy Race
Having followed Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl and Puppy Olympics for some time now, Sam W and I have decided to start sending in some of our ideas to see if they will produce them. We put everything we’ve got into these so, yea… we’ll let you know what Animal Planet thought.
Sled Puppy Race
This show would document a race almost exactly like a normal sled dog race, but with puppies pulling a baby around. Each team of 16 puppies would drag their baby across the unforgiving Alaskan tundra for hundreds of miles, braving sub freezing temperatures, wolves, polar bears and owls. The first baby to cross the finish line gets to keep the puppies.
mock up
The Best of the Worst ‘08
To kick off our monthly funny-bad movie list we thought we’d tell you a little bit about our current 10 favorites. Then, after 12 months of lists, we will have a new top 10 for you.
So here they are (in no particular order):
Roadhouse
Patrick Swayze plays the worlds best bouncer/philosopher that rips peoples throats out and seduces all the hottest ladies. There is also a nice 2 minute thai-chi intermission.
The Punisher (1989)
Stars Dolph Lundgren. He shoots at school lockers with an m60 for a whole 2 minutes, cause he’s like, hella mad.
Time Cop
Jean-Claude Van Damme plays a cop that polices time travel by going back in time to stop the illegal time travelers from messing up time as we know it. The plot makes no sense and how they travel back in time makes no sense, BUT, is all very funny. Especially how they time travel, pay close attention to that.
Teen Knight
We were pretty drunk when we saw this, and it is meant for kids, but is still very funny-bad. The acting is awful and one of the characters has the funniest made up accent I’ve ever heard.
Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins
Fred Ward of Tremors stars as Remo Williams, super secret agent. I think it’s supposed to be kinda silly but they missed their mark by a lot. It’s terrible. The Asian master is some old white guy.
Robot Wars
This ambitious sci-fi film will have you rewinding over and over to catch its more subtle funny-bad humor. They re-use one of the sets about 10 times and at one point run between a couple buildings on the studio lot.
TRUCKS
“In the infamous area 51, renowned for UFO sightings, residents of a small town are cut off from civilization and held hostage when a mysterious convoy of driverless trucks goes on the rampage reeking havoc on its inhabitants in this close encounter of the machine kind.” - The back cover verbatim.
Steel
Really, really funny. Shaq’s best movie. And based on a comic book. AND directed by the director of Short Circuit 2.
Face/Off
John Travolta and Nicholas Cage trade faces and over act. Very funny. Full of good quotes. “…’cause I don’t give a fuck!”
Hider in the House
Gary Busey hides in some families house.
Guillermo To Direct The Hobbit
from jimmy kimmel just kenan. But for reals, Guillermo del Toro and Peter Jackson are writing The Hobbit and del Toro is directing. In a recent interview del Toro stated that he will use as little CG as possible, relying on mostly animatronics, crazy make up and other old school techniques, BUT, says Gollum will remain entirely CG. Lets hope the dragon looks like it’s straight outa the Jurassic Park ride.
thanks movies.ign.com
One more thing: The Hobbit is going to have a sequel set in the time between J.R.R. Tolkien’s hobbit book and the Lord of the Rings books. Meaning Jackson and del Toro, having nothing to adapt, will write over 100 pages of Tolkien fan fiction. That sounds risky, don’t you think?
Blu-ray
The first movie to be put on a DVD was Twister.
The first movie to be put on a Blu-ray disc was Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle.
I bet they were both done as a goof.
It’s Been A While… Here’s Some Stuff
You Twin Some, You Lose Some:
A pair of twins are hit by lightning and magically switch bodies.
Rememberer:
Cecile Fitzgerald, a NYC police officer, has constant deja vu which allows him to see about 1 second into the future at all times.
Armageddon 2: Armageddon:
That title is from Arrested Development and is hilarious.
Heavy Velocity: The 1000 Year War Begins:
The year is 2020 and we have developed a technology that allows us to send a message into outer space at super-light-speed. Moments after we send the message we receive a response. The response: A mirror image of our own message. We learn that space is a big mirror and that a battle race of aliens is planning to shatter the mirror and we must send our best cruisers into space to shoot them down with our weaponized sun-fragments… before it’s too late.
Tinseltown Secrets Vol. 1
Because I intern at five of the major production companies in the Los Angeles area (I go to a different one every day of the week and none of them have any idea), I have access to super top-secret information concerning the film industry. Fortunately for you, I’m sharing all of this information, so you can now call yourself a “Hollywood insider” and tell everyone you meet about how important you are.
- Tom Hanks can run 55 miles per hour and jump 12 feet in the air. He has been head stuntman in every action movie made since 1986.
- Every single dead celebrity with a star on the Walk of Fame is buried underneath it. All of them.
- The movie Timecop starring Jean-Claude Van Damme was removed from eligibility in the 1994 Academy Awards because all of the Academy members were voting for it in every category. Roger Ebert put it at the top of his secret all-time best movies list, calling it the most magnificent piece of art ever to be created.
-The Empire Strikes Back was the first movie to ever use an all-horse production team, leading to the gruesome death of thousands of horses and the near extinction of the Palomino breed of horse. The slaughter was caused by the fact that the horses had absolutely no idea what to do with the dangerous film equipment being used.
This last piece of information is current news, unknown to everyone except those in the inner-most circles of the industry:
- After July 1st, 2008, the city of Hollywood will officially be renamed “Skeleton City”. The famous Hollywood sign will be changed to the new name, and every single street name will be changed to something directly relating to skeletons. In addition to this, the last digit of everyzip code in the area will be replaced with the word “bones”. For instance, the new address of the Kodak Theater will now read:
Kodak Theater
6801 Femur Blvd.
Skeleton City, CA 9002bones
The initiative, spearheaded by legendary actor Jack Nicholson, has already begun to create controversy, as many are worried about the incredible confusion it will create for people living in the city. When asked about this, Nicholson seemed unphased, saying the changes have been “a long time coming” and “people shouldn’t be surprised; this has been needing to be done for decades and I’m just the first guy brave enough to get it started.”
More information to come as I learn more about this crazy business.
What We Heard Happens in the New Hulk
Here is a list of things we were told by anonymous industry insiders:
- Hulk riding a horse.
- Hulk using cars for shoes and mailboxes for gloves.
- Hulk using a handgun.
- Hulk laughing.
- Hulk finds a mirror but doesn’t have time for that right now.
- Hulk sees a purse being snatched but doesn’t have time for that right now.
- Hulk plans to go to the movies.
- Hulk trips, but he’ll be fine.
- Hulk driving… … his hulk parents totally insane!
- Hulk reading, with glasses.
- Bruce Banners gets a new puppy and has it taken away, then goes Hulk.
- Hulk throw boat.
- Hulk versus an earthquake.
- Hulk versus a hot shot team of dinosaurs with nothing to prove and everything to lose.
- Hulk pooping.
Spoiler: Jumper
Jumpers are people that can Jump, at least twice as fast as as normal people jumpings. No editing. So, Hayden Christensen’s character David, gives this girls who he super likes this ball of something, no, this glass ball of something, like a snow globe, a snow globe of something. No, don’t write all of that. Sorry, I just got a t x t, don’t write that. Are you writing that, you son of a bitch. Stowwp. This dude, who is a bully, takes it from the girl and throws it on the frozen lake because it’s winter in wherever they are, I’m pretty sure they don’t say where they are. So, David goes out onto the frozen lake to retrieve said snow globe and gets it but… falls through the ice. So, he’s under the ice and he can’t get out because it’s ice and he all of the sudden jumps, into a library. So, he teaches himself how to jump in his own way, well, so, his relationship with his dad is kinda sketchy, his mom left him when he was five and his dads a dick to him because of that I guess so he’s an unhappy kid. But when he finds out he can jump, he jumps away from his house to a new life in New York city. But he takes a bus to new york city for some reason. So then he. When he’s in New York city he goes into a bank and scopes it out so he can see it. In order to jump to anywhere he has to see where he’s jumping. So, he scopes out the vault of a bank in New York city, then later on that night he jumps into it and steals all the money, in it. Then, it fast forwards 8 or 10 years - oh hey doggie, I did - not - know - you were a doggie, you are doing something on my back you doggie, what are you doing. Why are you doing that, you smell like peneat butter, get away from me, stop smelling me. No. No! No Samson, no, get away from me, OK, stop smelling me, no that’s the last thing I want. So, OK yea, flash forward ten years and he’s super rich and he has everything he could possibly want cause all he does is go into banks and steal all the money. And then Samuel L Jacksons character comes in, he’s a paladin, and tries to kill him because, he says, he shouldn’t have that power, but DAvid gets away. Skip to the end. OK so, David finds out how to jump the girl he loves entire aparment building himself into a lake. And he does that to get rid of all the paladins that are chasing him, then he jumps himself plus the entire apartment building into a library, the middle of a library. He makes sure the girl is OK and then jumps Samuel L Jackson into a cave in the middle of the grand canyon so he cant get out. Then at the end he finds out his mom is the leader of the paladins and confronts her and says that’s he jumps and that shes a paladins and what she he do nowww. She gives him a head start. And then he lleaves and jumps. The End.
Dictated but not read,
- a drunk Sam W
Drunk Review: Twister
Delight! Twister, starring Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt, was a real time that gave me enjoyment. Fanciful! If you like storms then, shit, this movie’s for you motherfucker. It begins with Helen Hunt’s character having a flashback of a tornado. Then its the present and there’s another tornado, plus Bill Paxton. The two then chase the tornado but there’s another group of actors who want all the tornado information for themselves. Neither group gets to the tornado in time to get its information. Later, there’s two tornados at the same time. Hunt and Paxton go for it but are overwelmed because there are two tornados. They run away and hide under a small, poorly built wooden bridge. It keeps them safe from two tornados. Eventually the tornado chasing team takes a break and goes to see a drive in movie. A tornado forms at the theatre. Everybody hides and doesn’t get hurt. At the end of the movie there’s a really big tornado. Bigger then all the other tornados. Hunt and Paxton get their team together to retrieve its information. The rival tornado chasers get there first but the tornado kills them. In the end Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt find a way to get all the infromation from the big tornado and they do. They get it all. Great movie.
Iron Man Superbowl Ad
Holy shirt that was awesome! The new Iron Man movie is looking better and better. It also looks like its staying fairly true to the comics, which is sweet. This summer is going to be so crazy its insane, with The Dark Knight and now super kewl Iron Man. Learn more about Iron Man. Some new photos were just released too. Check them out, they make my panties wet.
